


The Best Part of Me Was Always You

by fire_druidess



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Aoi POV, Bittersweet Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Love is a hell of a drug, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 05:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18088208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fire_druidess/pseuds/fire_druidess
Summary: Wow long time no see! I have no reason other than life got the better of me. But I am back with a bittersweet Aoiha fic that I hope y’all enjoy! Inspired by the song Breakeven by The Script





	The Best Part of Me Was Always You

I.

I hold you every night before I fall asleep. I wrap my arms around you and embrace you, scared to ever let go. I close my eyes and pretend it’s all a cruel nightmare, that I never lost you, as I open my eyes I realize I’m holding onto nothing. _Emptiness._ Your ghost.

It wasn’t always like this though. Now it feels like forever ago, but one day I really had you in my arms. I dug my nose into locks of soft honey blonde hair time and time again, letting your natural scent engulf me and wash away every worry from my body. Your laugh was always like music to my ears, the perfect soft melody, you were mine and now it’s as if I’m holding onto the wind, hoping that one day I’ll feel your hand and not the breeze through my fingers.

Perhaps I kept you close because I was afraid you’d disappear. Everything you gave to me had been too good to be true, I was scared of blinking for a moment too long and have it all vanish right before me. I was a selfish bastard, I wanted you more than I had ever wanted anything else in my life, but at the same time I was too hesitant to give you what you needed, what you deserved. You wanted my loyalty and honesty, but I gave you only small fractions of what could never truly be yours. I lay awake at night now, biting down on my bottom lip until I can taste the familiar tang of blood, frustrated and drowning in sorrow, angry that I couldn’t be the one for you. Now you belong to no one, you’re _free_. Free from my shackles.

Days blurred into each other when you and I were together. Do you remember that time we spent the night lost in the forest? I don’t know why I agreed to taking us there, but now it’s my fondest memory. We were far away from the city and our easy and comfortable lives, I had embraced my adventurous side and agreed to explore the rural parts of our country with you. The drive had been long and tedious, but life was never dull with you. You sang the songs on the radio, even when you didn’t know the words, you listened to me tell the same stories over and over again; because you knew my memory had never been good. But you were patient with me and I never knew how to return the sentiment back to you.

We seemed so small and insignificant compared to the magnificence and wideness of nature. An endless sea of trees, lush and emerald green. We got lost in the branches and I got lost in you.

We spent hours and hours walking around the forest, holding hands and reminiscing about our youth. You had been the only thing I could focus on as we kept on walking, and eventually we had sat on a rock near a creek, enjoying the calming sounds around us. The bright light from the setting sun had played with the ends of your light colored hair, and I had reached out to gently cup your face and tentatively press my lips against your mouth. The innocence and newness of our relationship still had lingered around us, and I can still still feel skin that had been warmed by the rays of sunshine and plush lips that felt like the missing puzzle piece as you let me deepen the kiss, allowing me to carefully guide you into new territories.

I was hesitant to turn that kiss into something more carnal, so I pulled away, marveling at the reddish flush of your cheeks. I seemed to have ignited a flame in your chest, something so small yet so powerful. You dug your way through layers of rot, and somehow you found an object that faintly resembled my heart. I let you take it and make it yours, no matter how much my brain screamed at me not to. I had always trusted the wrong people, hesitantly handed over my heart to those who always misplaced it or destroyed it. However, you were different. I knew the moment I met you that you were guarded and perhaps jaded, desperate for change. And I took it upon myself to be just that for you. Your submissive disposition had been a shield you hid behind to mask the dominance you were too afraid to exude, you knew what you had to do to get what you wanted but you were still hesitant. I was immediately intrigued. You’re the kind of person who easily adapts, you were honest about your intentions with me no matter the risk, and that’s perhaps why you and I fit perfectly together then. I was tired of playing hide and seek and you were in front of me, begging me to find you and take you.

The first time we spoke to each other had been in a stuffy office with producers and managers and people that would always value money more than humans. You and I were the perfect puppets, each string was pulled just right and nothing ever went wrong. We did what we had to do to make a living and though we never agreed with their politics, we did it anyway. The music had always been the driving force for us as artists, but it was obvious that to them, we were just another paycheck. Perhaps you and I have always gotten along so well because we hated being in the office, surrounded by paperwork and greed. We found our freedom whenever we stepped out on that stage. The roaring screams of our fans, the blinding lights, and the look you’d give me from across the stage as we gave every show our very last drop of sweat.

The first time I dared to make you mine had been after one of our first sold out shows in the bigger live houses. Adrenaline and excitement ran through every vein in my body, and even after the concert ended, the fire in me wouldn’t cease to end. You had been nothing but smiles during the night, it was hard to keep up with the constant congratulatory handshakes from our friends and the staff members, because all I could focus on was you. You had never been shy about showing your body off, but for once, I could admire it without the presence of the many stylists who were paid to make us look presentable. The gentle curve of your waist, long slender legs in small garments and thighs too beckoning for their own good. I always found you pretty to look at, those plump lips slathered in pink gloss and locks of blonde hair styled up with hairspray were a nice touch. But your bare skin was my favorite, I imagined myself on more than one occasion worshipping you from head to toe. Wondering how you’d sound as you moan for me and only me.

We were friends first and foremost but I couldn’t deny what I felt for you.

The few drinks we had with the guys in the dressing room, and the lewd jokes thrown around kept me on edge for far too long. You sat across from me on the couch, your legs crossed like the perfect image of innocence. But I knew you were far from that. I wanted to taste the devil on your tongue, I wanted to pull secrets from you just like you’re pulling this feral creature from me.

When everyone around us couldn’t stand up straight anymore, I took a chance. You could handle your liquor and never made a fool of yourself, you saved that for years to come. I had refrained from drinking too much, because I wanted to be clear headed before approaching you. The guys were falling asleep and were too incoherent to know what was going on. You excused yourself to go the bathroom, and I knew that was my cue. I didn’t know what I was doing at the time, I never knew I’d be chasing you forever only to one day come back empty handed. The cat and mouse game would never grow old, would it?

Just as I imagined, you had been pressed up against the mirror of the cramped bathroom, checking your hair and makeup even though you didn’t need to. Perhaps you knew I’d follow you, perhaps you knew how tempting you were to me. I watched you for a while, biting down on my tongue until I could taste blood, my nasty habit. I hissed and suddenly we locked eyes. I could get lost in those deep alluring irises of yours, and I managed to fall too soon, unable to stop myself. Without words I approached you, you remained silent, carefully watching me.

You knew what I was about to do and didn’t flinch or push me away as I leaned forward to kiss you. You relaxed against my touch, it was as if you expected it, the faint taste of blood hadn’t seemed to bother you either. I had never experienced exhilaration the way I did the first time I kissed you, we took each other’s breath away and I quickly found myself becoming more addicted to you. I knew I wanted you, getting to know you had been my gateway into your mind, and stealing that kiss from you was the beginning of the end for me.

We became night and day shortly after. You were the sun and its bright light to my dark blue sky, you pulled me up when I couldn’t keep any aspect of my life together. I never knew I could be so drawn to someone the way I was with you. The people I met in my life had always been a blur, a hectic and messy blur. The only stability I knew had come from letting you inside as nimble fingers pulled cobwebs from my chest. I never expected you to fix me or put me back together, but you did it and I let you. I have always been selfish, I take and take and I never give. However, I gave you something I had never fully and confidently given anyone else, I gave you my heart.

If there’s something that still belongs to you then it’s my heart, you took it the day our worlds collided and you still have it now, or perhaps it’s lost in the rubble. I know I handed you the pieces, and you spent countless years trying to mend them together. And what did I do? I smashed your delicate work on to the ground in a fit of rage and carelessness. I wanted you, but I wanted other things that at this point in my life mean nothing to me. You’re all I’ve ever cared about, all I can think of every damn day I’m alive.

_“Why am I not enough?”_

_“Why do you look elsewhere for something I try to give you, Aoi? Talk to me!”_

You are enough. You were always enough, you were and are too good for me. I’m the one that’s not enough, I ruined you.

II.

Gold had never been my favorite. My jewelry had always been silver, anything I owned was either black, pewter, or silver. I never knew how to embrace colors and light. But that all changed when you and I became inseparable, I found comfort and safety in your golden hair and colorful outlook on life. You tore down my colorless curtains and replaced them with bright blue ones, you brought life to my lifeless existence. Everyone always made fun of my brooding personality, but I had never known how to be anything but. Every morning I woke up, I’d take my time and map out your face. The delicate pink flush on your cheeks, the dark contrasting violet mark on your collarbone, a place you always let my mouth worship. But, most importantly, I’d admire your locks of light colored hair, I had grown fond of you as a blond and I couldn’t imagine you with any other color. I’d play with the ends of your hair reverently, and sometimes I knew you were awake, but I’d continue to indulge you.

I drown in those happy and beautiful memories, I let them play over and over in my mind because for a moment they feel real and not like an endless sepia toned filmstrip. For a moment, I can close my eyes and still feel your touch. The darkness that engulfs me when I remember the pain and the betrayal rips apart at my soul. Though I am to blame, the hurt and emptiness never strays.

Seeing you before me, a blank face devoid of any color or expression for the first time, had felt like a knife in my chest. Your lips were cracked and your eyes swollen with tears, I wanted to reach out and wipe away every worry from you and try to fix what I had stupidly destroyed. But it had been too late.

The adoration you had once possessed for me had vanished, I could see it in your eyes, I could feel it in your presence. There was something inside of you still trying to reach out, to fight for what was once ours. But I could see you drowning, gasping for air, and as your eyes closed, I knew you had fallen into the abyss.

III.

It had been mutual, hadn’t it? If you regret me, please don’t regret what we shared that night. A night that had been surprising and unexpected in the most wonderful of ways. Everything about us had been innocent up until then. Our kisses were the only way we released our pent up desires and passion. Things always got too heated between us, and we’d both hesitate to take it any further. I never pressured you, it was always our unspoken vow.

There had been something different about that night. We both were insatiable, kisses and touches only got us so far, and I could tell that you wanted more. I had always wanted more in the many months we spent together, but I never possessed the calm demeanor you had, I was always more aggressive.

Your mouth kissing the shell of my ear, soft moans and greedy hands grabbing my shirt had always been the way to get my heart racing. But you were being more forceful on purpose, urging me to do more than just kiss you. I could feel my shaky hands trying to pull your shirt off, your smile against my neck as you helped take mine off as well. The movie we had intended on watching droned off in the background as you and I preoccupied ourselves with more exciting activities.

You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen as you lay beneath me. Creamy ivory skin, long elegant limbs, ethereal. I could feel my heart and mind racing in unison, I gently ran my fingers down your face, tracing your full mouth.

 _“I love you.”_ Had been the words droning softly around my head, _god, I love you, I love you,_ it was a feeling akin to searing pain, unlike anything I’d ever experienced. The bones in my body trembled as I let my frenzied emotions linger around us. Perhaps you has suspected something had changed within me, you could feel the liquid fire rushing through my veins as you held me. Your face softened as you lovingly pulled me down and kissed me just as passionately as I always kissed you. You tucked your secrets into my mouth and I kept them hidden then, and I still keep them now. At one point in your life, I had meant something special to you.

I’ll never be able to put into words how I felt the moment I made you truly mine. Your face contorted in pained pleasure as I gave to you another one of my secrets. I had never made love to anyone, and I wanted you to be my first and last. You were mine, mine, and only mine. I held you and kissed you, showing you how much I loved you with another part of my body. I never experienced ecstasy the way I did with you.

But now, there’s only a dull emptiness.

Now I spend my nights chasing away the loneliness with strangers littering my bed. I feel a maelstrom of anger whenever someone stays too long on the side of the bed that once belonged to you. This bed holds our most precious and intimate memories, and I defile them every time I let some faceless person lay on it. I’ve thought about throwing it away, throwing everything that once reminded me of you away. I had smashed one of my favorite photographs of us in a fit of pointless rage. I still have the remnants, I can still see your innocent smile in the cracked glass. I look at it when I have nothing else to give, nowhere else to run...I hold onto it so perhaps one day I can experience the happiness I felt that day once more.

I’ll never forget your smile as it followed me through the carnival that day. We had spent the day sharing cotton candy on the rides, my stubborn self constantly trying to win a prize for you on one of those impossible games. I captured that moment forever, you holding onto that ridiculous stuffed bear, laughing until our cheeks hurt. We rode the carousel together, covertly trying to hold hands, I aimed the disposable camera at our faces and snapped the photograph that is now only a painful reminder that what we had wouldn’t last forever.

I can see you fading away as I close my eyes, the carnival music only a faint whisper in the distance. It all feels like a memory that never belonged to me, and when I open my eyes the cold embrace of reality sets in.

IV.

 _“I think I’m in love with you,”_ Had been the first thing to slip from your lips on that one cloudy morning. I nearly choked on the hot coffee in my mouth, but you only grinned in turn.

 _“I think I’m in love with you, Aoi...”_ You repeated lowly, maybe you figured I hadn’t heard you the first time. But I heard you, loud and clear. My heart beat rapidly in my rib cage and the ringing in my ears got louder as each word set in deeper and deeper. The voice in my head screamed at me to tell you I loved you as well, probably more than I was comfortable admitting, but it felt as if I couldn’t speak, no words came out no matter how hard I tried.

Before I could make another attempt to speak, you were suddenly on my lap. Your lips kissing mine with an urgency I had never felt before. Perhaps you didn’t want to hear those words repeated back to you because you knew what doors had been opened. You feared rejection, but I could never do that to you. I knew you were all I cared about, all I ever wanted and needed, but I couldn’t return the same words to you, no matter how hard I tried.

With no more awkward moments shared between us, I ravished you on the kitchen table as you let me love you in the only way I knew how. Your tongue pulling more and more lies from my mouth.

I’ve always been selfish.

V.

The shift happened almost immediately. Our once intimate and beautiful moments had become few and far in between, and instead we spent most of our time arguing. The countless months we spent devoting ourselves to each other were dwindling, I started feeling the uncomfortable and evident burns of my callous decisions. 

Things between us had been perfect at some point after you confessed your devotion to me. I felt us closer than ever before, I could see the light at the end of a far away tunnel and I knew you were the brightness shining on the other side. I continued to get lost in you, in everything you gave me. I knew that when I had nothing and no one else, that you’d be there.

I let my own insecurities and self interest blind me, I knew I could never find anyone who could ever be you. You were my beacon of hope, my ticket out, I thought I had fallen in love but it had all been clouded by my loneliness, dependence, and possessiveness. You deserved every part of me, but I only gave you the corresponding pieces that kept the house of cards I had built around us in tact. One missed step and it would all come tumbling down.

When I should have been giving you love and support I took every frustration out on you. Anyone that would just glance at you would make spiral into a rabid animal. I couldn’t imagine for a moment of anyone else having you. In my foolish mind I believed you would never leave me, I took from you until you had nothing else to give. And even then, you stayed. Your pretty porcelain face was always stained with tears and your mouth always tasted of some strong liquor you hid from me, you and I had spiraled out of control. I lied to keep myself sane, I made promises I couldn't keep; I would feed you these lies over and over again. Until one day it all exploded in my face.

The sight of your suitcases on our bed, every article of clothing you owned quickly filling each compartment had me wanting to throw everything on the floor, hold you back from leaving me. You looked miserable as you zipped everything all up and dragged the bags down the hallway. 

“Uru...stop it, you don’t have to do this,” I pleaded uselessly, “We can try to fix this, to fix _us._ ” More lies.

A long silence between us ensued, you wanted to scream at me and claw at me and I would have deserved it. I could see the anger and disappointment rushing through the veins in your neck, even in those moments of seeing you completely broken before me, I still held back and hid like the coward I’ve always been.

 _“Do you love me?”_   You had asked lowly, your voice threatening to crack as more tears welled up in your eyes.

I stood frozen in fear, unsure of what to say. I looked around the room sheepishly, imagining myself hiding in every crevice on the walls. I sighed softly, not giving you an answer.

Silence, that damned silence.

 _“Then it’s over, Aoi.”_ Were the only words you said to me before you shut the door in my face. You were gone, and no amount of begging or false hope would ever bring you back to me. I punched the back of that wooden door and didn’t flinch as the bones and skin of my knuckles cracked and bruised, the pain I felt couldn’t compare to the excruciating feeling ripping apart at my chest.

I screamed, screamed as loud as I could. The apartment erupted with the clamor of me screaming and crying frantically, for once at a loss, for once broken down and defeated. Useless.

Now I could scream.

VI.

She had been nothing, no one to me. She was a friend from my hometown, someone who reminded me of childhoods spent on breezy beaches and fishing in the nearest river. She was my escape in a way, she smelled of salt and something fruity and I knew I wanted her, at least that’s what I made myself believe.

Her straight black hair was nothing compared to your sun dipped lion’s mane, your hair was softer and it always smelled of French vanilla, honey, and musk, of _home_. She was everything you weren’t. She was simple and safe, the girl every man wants to bring home.

You were something completely different, you were eccentric and dangerous. No one outside of our industry understood what we were about. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll seemed to be the status quo, yet we did things differently. Our visuals were unique to us, people didn’t realize what lurked under all of the extravagant costumes and makeup, we were enigmas, hard to read. The drugs were always there for whoever needed a pick me up, a little blow to keep you up or pills to kill the pain. We never particularly found those things interesting, we found excitement and euphoria underneath the covers.

I had you in my arms every night, living our own life and going against everything we were ever taught. I never wanted safe or normal, I wanted you the moment I saw you because I knew you were everything but. You brought the light inside of my dark and bleak life, you gave me things I could never have again, abilities only you possessed. I had everything I ever wanted with you in the palm of my hand, but the peer pressure I was constantly under and my own weaknesses got the better of me.

I went behind your back on too many occasions and I’ll never forgive myself for that. I gave myself to someone who would never appreciate the things I did for them, because those were things I should’ve been doing for you and only you. This woman filled the gaps in between, she was merely a distraction. I knew people would never accept us for what we were, I feared their response, and most importantly I feared what would happen to you. I never wanted to jeopardize your career, I would’ve taken the heavy blows if it meant keeping you safe. But instead, I did what every coward did, I hid. I hid from reality, from what I believed to be an embarrassment. I punish myself now for ever thinking those vile thoughts, for ever being embarrassed by you. I wanted you in secret, but never in front of everyone else. I knew I was hurting you, if I could take everything I did to harm you back I would in an instant.

It took me losing you to realize I always loved you. I was afraid to admit my feelings for you when you and I were together. I felt stuck between the truth and fear. And now I accept that I should’ve admitted how I truly felt for you, fear is behind me. Now I can’t look at you without thinking of others who had you after I did, what did they tell you? How did they treat you? Part of me yearns to know and the other part of me wishes no one would’ve ever touched you, but me. You’re disgusted by me, and you have every right to be.

I’m drowning nowadays, still dwelling in painful memories from years ago. I’m sure you feel I deserve this torment. To feel as miserable and worthless as I made you feel.

If you never believed a word I said, I just want you to know one thing that I know now to be the absolute truth. I love you Uruha, I loved you when I met you, I loved you when you let me touch you, I loved you when things were falling apart, I loved you when we argued, I loved you when I lost you, and I still love you now. This ache in my heart won’t ever go away of that I’m sure, I’ll always live with constant guilt, wishing that things could’ve been different. But it’s done, I can’t turn back time. This is my biggest regret.

I’ll cherish the first time you said those three words to me forever. You did love me once and though now you must hate me, you gave me enough love to last me a lifetime. I keep those words tucked behind every memory of you and I together. Hoping that one day I’ll dream of you sleeping in my arms again and when I wake, you’ll _truly_ be there.

How can I ever forget you when the best parts of me were always _you_...

**Author's Note:**

> Wow long time no see! I have no reason other than life got the better of me. But I am back with a bittersweet Aoiha fic that I hope y’all enjoy! Inspired by the song Breakeven by The Script


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